Helping Kids Navigate Social Exclusion

“We can’t all be invited everywhere now can we? ” – Judith Sills, PhD

As most of you know, I have a nine and a 10-year old. They are both girls and extremely social. Currently we are in a phase I like to call, “playdate and sleepover central.” Honest to goodness, they have busier social calendars then I do lately.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that they have friends whom the enjoy spending so much time with, BUT when it happens with some frequency there seems to be an expectation to always be invited, and when there isn’t an invitation, it can be a catastrophic event in their world.

I was inspired to write about this because one of my girls recently came home from school in tears after learning that a few girls in her class were invited to sleepover and she wasn’t. It was beyond devastating for her. There were A LOT of tears and negative self-talk, which as a mom was heartbreaking to see and hear.

Now, while most rational and emotionally mature adults will agree that in the grand scheme of things this truly isn’t that big of a deal, for most kids, being excluded from any type of social activity (birthday parties, playdates, recess, sleepovers, etc.) can – in the moment – be a very traumatic and painful experience. 

Social exclusion is something most children will experience at some point and to some degree. Although most times the situation can be pretty harmless and fixed with extra ice cream or hugs, there are instances where parents may need to pay a little more attention to potential underlying issues at play, such as relational aggression and bullying. Fortunately in this instance, our situation was more of the former.

While writing this post, I came across an article on oprah.com about the painful business of being left out. The author, Judith Sills, shares her experience of not being invited to a New Years Eve party and the ensuing emotional upheaval she experienced as a result. As she wrote in the article, “being left out is not an inherently grown-up phenomenon. It is a grade-school agony that recurs throughout life.” 

Even though I knew there was no malicious intent, my daughter’s emotions were battered and her ego temporarily bruised. Admittedly, I am not always the most rational thinking person in these situations (more on this below), but had to pony-up and be the parent in this situation (not play the victim like so many of us do). I chose to acknowledge the pain my daughter was feeling and help her work through it. In the end, my only goal was to have her take a step back, breathe, reflect and refocus. By doing so, my hope is that she would begin to build some resilience towards the situation should it happen again, which we all know will likely be the case.

Here’s how it went down and how our experience might help you should your child face a similar situation:

1. Before letting my emotions take over, I had to check my ego at the door. I have a tendency to allow my own insecurities creep into situations like this, which can get in the way of actually helping. So, I had to stop thinking about how I could fix the problem, and instead focused on what I could do to help her face the problem.  
   
   
2. I let her cry and listened to what she had to say. It was important for her to express whatever emotions she was feeling and to just get it all out. I have to say, despite how upset she was, she was very clear with me about what she feeling and why. Her level of emotional reasoning was quite impressive even though she wasn’t quite yet seeing the whole picture. This made me realize how often we as parents might discount what our child is feeling or relegate their reactions to not being being emotionally mature enough to handle certain situations. What I’ve discovered is that kids may be more in tune with their feelings then we give them credit for.
   
   
3. This led to a discussion about self-reflection. My hope was that she would discover other ways to look at the situation and what she could do differently next time. Sometimes when our emotions are running rampant we neglect to see some of the underlying issues or reasons behind the outcome. For example, when Judith Sills shared her story, she finally came to the conclusion that she may not have been invited to the NYE party because she spoke ill of the hostess’ husband and that perhaps it got back to him. The same goes for children. Sometimes they possess traits or behaviors that can contribute to or impact the situation. We just need to help them identify whether this may be the case and work with them to address any changes that might be needed.
   
   
4. In this instance, there was no direct explanation for not being invited (except that she wasn’t) nor was there much that could’ve been done differently to alter the outcome. I knew the next step would be to help rebuild her self-esteem and to begin working on building resilience towards this and future situations like this.
   
   The first thing I did was ask her to revisit the situation. I had her assess what actually happened and to be truthful with herself about what she was telling herself (i.e. how much of what happened or was said, actually happened or was actually said). When she did this, a few discoveries came of it:

• Never Assume. We all know what happens when we make assumptions…Only one other girl was actually invited to sleepover and not several as she had assumed.
• You’re Never Alone. There are comfort in numbers and knowing that we are never alone in the world – even if it might feel that way initially. After chatting with some friends, my daughter discovered she wasn’t the only one feeling this way.
• Consider the Options. Be realistic about the situation. Sometimes we tell ourselves stories about why we excluded from something (guilty!) and most of the time those stories aren’t even remotely close to being true. Consider all of the options and not just ones that made you feel bad.
• We can’t all be invited everywhere. As Judith Sills said, this is a situation many of us will come to face time and again into adulthood. The sooner we accept this point, the easier it becomes to let go of the hurt and pain.

Eventually she came to accept that everyone is entitled to do what they want, when they want and that although it hurt to be excluded from the sleepover this one time, there have been many wonderful times before this and so many wonderful things to come…like the shopping and ice cream date that ensued 🙂

#strongkindminds

Looking for some input…

Over the past several weeks I have found myself revisiting why I started this blog and where I want to take it moving forward. As a refresher, I went back to my first few blog posts and was immediately reminded of my why. 

The reason I started this blog was because when our family moved to San Antonio two years ago we had to work very hard to support one another through the transition. We faced many obstacles and challenges we never thought possible and couldn’t find a help manual to accompany the transition 🙂 . We also didn’t have much of a support network and as a result, had to rely on a lot books, online articles and such to help us find our way. 

Through these experiences and as life continues to play out for us, we’ve learned many valuable lessons and devised a number of strategies to help us work through these challenges. As such, I became inspired to share our journey and learnings with others. My hope was that I could provide a platform where other families could learn from our experiences and be inspired to take action in their own lives when and where needed. 

The name Strong.Kind.Minds. came to me as my husband and I were working through some issues our older daughter was facing at school. My goal was to help her find a place of stillness where she could better reflect and connect with herself, and to help her develop more self-confidence, be more open-minded to the world around her and to always look at every situation with love and positivity no matter what others might say or do. 

What we discovered through this process is the following:

1. We all need to be strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) to become the best version of ourselves.
2. We all need to be kind. We need to be kind to ourselves and to others. This means taking the time for ourselves, so that we can in turn take care of and help others because kindness truly does make the world go ‘round. 
3. We all need to be mindful and live with purpose so we can make better decisions, be better people and have a positive impact on the world around us. 

And, what I’ve come to realize is that despite a gap in my writing over the last year, the purpose of Strong.Kind.Minds. remains the same: To help parents and children adopt the practices that will help them deal successfully with what they’ll inevitably face in life.

In the coming months, I will be working closely with my husband on a special project that I believe will bring everything full circle, but in the meantime I NEED YOUR HELP and would love to get your input on the following:

1. What topics related to helping children currently interest you? 
2. Is there any specific area of raising children or working with children that you would like more information about?

I am looking for a broad range of ideas here so no idea is too big or small! 

If you’re interested in helping me out, feel free to comment down below or you can shoot me an email at strongkindminds@gmail.com.

You have no idea how appreciative I am for each of you and I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Marisa
Xo

#strongkindminds

Why You Probably Hate to Workout

I love to work out, but it wasn’t always this way, and if I had to guess most of you didn’t or don’t like too either. 

Not too worry though because science has shown that the reason most people don’t like to work out isn’t because of the actual exercise at all, but rather the reasons why we are doing it in the first place. 

A study published in the Journal of Health Psychology found a correlation between the goals people set for themselves and how they felt about exercising. For example, most people who tend to focus on weight loss as a goal for working out or use their perceived flaws as motivation (i.e. getting a six-pack, toning their arms or abs, etc.) tend to dread exercising and actually end up working out less. Through this study, researchers discovered that these tactics don’t actually work and that if we maintain this mindset to motivate our fitness goals, we are essentially self-sabotaging, resulting in decreased motivation over time and ultimately exacerbating the effects of internalized weight stigma.

In truth, it’s very difficult to escape how fitness can change the way we look. I mean social media alone has made a profound impact on the industry over the years, and while in some ways the information and accessibility it provides can be viewed as a positive, there is also a huge downside when it comes portraying the idea of what it means to have the “perfect” body. Between images of the latest detox craze, videos of people with “perfect” bodies doing yoga on the beach or working out at the gym, I’d say it’s pretty darn hard to escape why we think we should or need to work out as described above. 

Now I will be the first to admit that when I started working out (around 16 years old), I absolutely did it for vanity reasons. Growing up I was the an overweight kid who by 13 years of age was a women’s size 16 (and also just under 5 feet tall). I was bullied and felt ashamed of how I looked, and though I lost most of the weight by the time I turned 16, I struggled for decades with my self-image and ultimately my workouts. Unless I had a specific reason motivating me to work out (i.e. my wedding, a vacation, other special occasions that require nice dresses, etc.), I hated it beyond hate. 

For many years my only focus was on weight-loss. I would weigh myself obsessively, chose workouts that would burn the most calories and stuck with a very rigid workout schedule. Eventually I would just burn out, stop altogether and feel even worse about myself. 

This cycle continued for decades and it really wasn’t until after I had my youngest daughter, that my mindset began to shift. Maybe it was because the focus was no longer just on me or because I had matured (HA!), but I realized that these behaviors were getting me nowhere fast and that in order to avoid my all-or-nothing attitude about exercise, I needed to turn my attention away from external motivators (i.e. trying to be thin as possible) and focus on something within (i.e. needing more energy as sleep-deprived mama or staying as healthy as possible so I could be always be there for my kids). 

This change in mindset saved me from myself and now when I exercise, I do it because I genuinely love to and find it fun. It’s because of this shift that I am driven to share my love of yoga and fitness with children and their families. My hope is to instill a love of health and fitness by making it fun and meaningful. When we find meaning in what we’re doing, we are being motivated from within, ultimately giving what we do more purpose. 

Next week I will share more with you about how to make your workouts more meaningful and what my students can expect from a typical session with me. In the meantime, if you find you need to motivate yourself through a workout, take a mental note of where your head is at and why you’re even doing it. You might be surprised at what you’ll discover about yourself. 

#strongkindminds

It’s Been 7 Months Since My Last Post. Why I had to S.T.O.P.

It’s been seven months since I wrote my last blog post and I wanted to apologize for it, but the truth is I needed to stop because my life demanded it of me, and for that I can’t be sorry.

I won’t bore you with the details of went down (at least not today), but what I will tell you is where these past seven months have led me…and that is right back here.

For those of you who have been following my blog, you may recall from one of my very first posts that I wasn’t quite sure where I was going with it or why, except to say that I just felt the desire to write and to share my journey with all of you. 

My life over the past several years has taken many twists and turns, but the most profound change was when we relocated to San Antonio from Toronto just over two years ago. After taking time to get my family settled into in our new life, I had the strong urge to do something (anything!) productive again.

You see, when we moved I had to put myself on hold…not because I wanted too, but because I had too. And, while my husband was off building his business and doing great things, I was stuck at home unable to work and feeling sorry for myself because of certain rules surrounding our work Visa. I felt like I was in this constant holding pattern, which had me questioning nearly everything including the move, what I was doing with my life, my ability to parent, my relationship with my husband, my relationships with others and so on. So, when life really went off the rails last Spring, I needed to just S.T.O.P. and take pause. I needed to spend time with myself and to re-evaluate. 

Over the past seven or so months, I began to see things about myself that needed to change – behaviors, perspectives, expectations, beliefs, etc. I had to get honest with myself about where I was, how I got to there, where I needed to go and why. 

The process sucked. There were a lot tears and a definite fear of failure, but when the fog finally began to lift, I learned a few key things, which I now see had prevented me from from moving forward and living my best life. I defined these key learning by using the acronym S.T.O.P.:

1. S – Stop obsessing over getting everything perfect on the first try. Overthinking and overanalyzing leads to making decisions out of fear. Decisions made out of fear are always the safest choice, which may not necessarily be the right choice (Thank you @RachelHollis for this little nugget!). 
2. T – Trust that whatever happens has happened for a reason and that the reason may be part of a much bigger plan. 
3. O – Open your heart and your mind to the lessons all of these life experiences bring you (good or bad) because sometimes these lessons are intended to prepare us for bigger and better things. 
4. P – Prepare for the things you know you can control, let go of that which you cannot. Nine times out of 10 life doesn’t turn out the way we expect or want it too, so remain open to everything and anything .

I had had thoughts of shutting down this blog and throwing in the towel on the kids yoga stuff because it was left dormant for so long, but my gut (which is usually pretty bang on), told me otherwise and as my perspective began to shift I began to get more clear on what my purpose might be. 

Now I don’t yet have it all figured out, but here’s where I’m at…

Over the next month or so, I will be revamping my blog to focus more on the work I am doing to bring children’s fitness and yoga into the San Antonio community and beyond. This is an area I am deeply passionate about and something I believe every child should have access too beyond school PE classes.  

I have already begun this journey by teaming up with my local gym (EnergyX Fitness) and the children’s museum here in San Antonio (The DoSeum) by offering both children’s and family fitness classes, but this is just the beginning. 

I cannot thank you enough for the continued support as I find my way. If there is anything you would like to know more about, if you have any questions or would like me to write on a specific topic, please feel to reach out to me at strongkindminds@gmail.com. 

Marisa
Xo

Three Fun Breathing Exercises for Kids

All of my yoga classes begin with an opening meditation/relaxation followed by breath work. This moment is by far my favorite part of class (besides Svasana of course) because I love watching the children as they transition into a state of relaxation and completely let go of whatever is happening in their little lives. In my opinion, being still and focusing on the breath is one of the hardest things to do in yoga, but necessary because breath is what yoga is all about. Without breath, yoga would be nothing.

Breath work can help prevent injury and also helps us to get in touch with ourselves on much deeper level by helping us focus our attention on our body and our mind. When we breath deeply we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which allows the relaxation response to take over. 

Many kids today suffer from what I like to call the “tired brain syndrome,’” so it’s imperative they find time in the day to just peace out and relax. We all know the importance of taking the time to unplug in order to function more effectively and clearly, well the same applies to children.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) stress levels among children are at an all time high and mind-body therapies (i.e. yoga and meditation) are among the top 10 non-pharmacologic therapies available to help improve concentration or ease anxiety in children. It’s recommended children meditate for the following time frames in order to reap the full benefits of what mindfulness and mediation have to offer:

• Preschool Children: A few minutes a day; 
• Gradeschool Children: 3-10 minutes twice a day; and
• Teens/Adults: 5-45 minutes a day or more based on preference. 

The beautiful thing about practicing breath work is that it really can be done anywhere and any time. So if mindfulness training or taking a yoga class isn’t something that is available to your children, it is something you can easily do with them at home. 

Below you will find three of my favorite breathing exercises for children. I am always so humbled by the power these exercises have on both my own children and my students, and believe you will feel the same way. They’re fun and engaging, and offer so many wonderful benefits to help ease those tired little brains and bodies.

Belly Breathing

Before introducing any sort of breathing activity or game, I like to take my students back to the basics and have them practice their belly breathing. Since the practice of yoga is guided by breath, belly breathing (also known as deep abdominal breathing) forces children to turn their attention towards their breath, which in turn helps them to focus or become what we call in yoga, “centred.”

How to guide your child through belly breathing:

1. This exercise can be done in a seated position or lying down. If you choose to be seated, have the child sit criss-cross applesauce, with their spine as straight as possible. I always ask them to imagine they have a string attached to the top of their head and that the string is trying to pull them up towards the ceiling. 
2. Once they have found a comfortable position, ask them to close their eyes and just breathe normally through their nose, while paying attention to all the parts of their body. 
3. After 3-5 breaths I have them place one hand on their belly and the other on their upper chest or over their heart. I ask them to inhale through their nose and to focus on the breath as it travels down towards their abdomen as it fills up like a ballon. For younger children you can also place a small stuffed animal on their belly and have them focus on that.
4. Next I have them focus on the exhale by imagining that the air in their belly is being pushed back up toward their nose and to feel their stomach lower or deflate like a balloon. 
5. I have them repeat this exercise 5 -10 times, using the following count: Inhale for 4 counts; hold for 4 counts; exhale for 4 counts. 

Belly breathing can done by most children, however, depending on their age their breathing might be a little faster than that of an adult or older child, so be mindful when counting out the breath as they may not be able to hold their breath too long.

Breathing Ball

I am a huge fan of using mini Hoberman Spheres because when used as a yoga prop, they become more than just a fun toy. The sphere, which is also commonly referred to as the breathing ball in kids yoga, easily transforms into a tool that can instantly calm children down and help them connect to their breath. 

One of the most effective ways to use the breathing ball is to demonstrate how the lungs work because like our lungs, the sphere expands and contracts. I like to open and close the ball by matching it up with my breath and having students match the pace of the movement. As I inhale the sphere expands and when I exhale, it contracts.

When using the breathing ball with your child, there are a few things to consider:

1. Find a quiet place to do this exercise and always begin in a seated position with your spine as straight as possible. Since lungs themselves do not have any muscles, they rely on muscles within the body to help them work. By sitting up straight, we create space for these muscles to work more effectively. 
   
2. Depending on the age of the child(ren) you are working with, it might be difficult for them to follow slower breath cycles. Choose an age appropriate breath cycle when leading them through this exercise. For example, the smaller the child, the faster they will breathe because their lungs aren’t yet fully developed.
   
3. The breathing ball can also be used to help a child self regulate. In addition to having them as a staple in my yoga classes, I also keep two of them at home for my daughters to use on their own. They are usually kept in a quiet place (in their bedrooms) for them use whenever they want or feel they need too, and are most commonly used following some sort of meltdown or argument between the two of them (LOL).

Feather Breathing

Feather breathing is one of my most favorite ways to teach younger children how to breathe. Not only does feather breathing help children calm down, it also involves sensory play. The primary senses stimulated through this exercise are sight, touch, body movement, oral and hearing.

Here’s how feather breathing works:

1. All you need is a few feathers (real or fake). I typically encourage my students to use one large feather or no more than 3 small to medium-sized feathers. Feathers are great fun and can sometimes cause the kiddos to become a little overexcited or to lose focus, so the less you use the better. 
   
2. Sit down in a clear, comfortable space and remove your shoes. Take a few minutes to explore the feathers using your senses, showing your children how to do the same. You could ask them some questions about the color and shape of the feather or show them how to stroke the feather on their arms, across their face, across the palm of their hand or place it between their toes. Have them close their eyes while they’re doing this and ask them to tell you how the feather feels.
   
3. Have them explore movement by kneeling and throwing the feather in the air and try to catch it or have them try to blow the feather into a container (make sure to place it on a flat surface). Encourage them to inhale as deeply as possible, and as they exhale the feather should move across the table or floor.

As we head into the summer months , this might be a great time to introduce some of these breathing activities into your daily routine. I know both my kids and I are going to be needing them after those long summer days…so I’m guessing you might too!

#strongkindminds

Sources:

1. Best Positions to Reduce Shortness of Breath
2. Mind Body Therapies in Youth and Children
3. Just Breathe: Teaching children to calm their bodies with breath
4. Respiratory Rate by Age

Why Kids Need Yoga More Than Ever

I’ve been off the grid for a few weeks and was pleasantly surprised when a follower messaged me to see when my next post would be released. The truth is, life has been super heavy lately and I simply found myself struggling to put “pen-to-paper.” I was feeling guilty and disappointed in myself for not following through on my promise to put out weekly posts, but when these periods in my life happen, I need time to reflect and disengage, so that I can refocus my outlook.

Without out going into a ton of detail, let’s just say life happened and I found my struggling to cope. I knew better than to let my fear and emotions takes over, but I am human and needed to feel what I needed to feel.

When life throws me these curveballs, I know I am being tested and that there is a greater lesson to be learned. I also know that in the absence of love, we become lost, sometimes jaded and fearful.

Over time, I have learned that the absence of love can leads us to make decisions and to do things that may not be good for us. It also causes us to lose sight of the things we are passionate about, which in turn affects how we see the world around us. When this happens, we lose sight of our purpose and the role we all have in in the world. This is what happened to me and fortunately, as the fog began to lift, I was able to come back to my “why,” and to see how this moment was helping me get clear on certain things in my life.

While my life purpose remains to be a work in progress, I have never been more clear about who and what I want to be at this point in my life including:

• Being the best mom I can be to my daughters;
• Being the best wife and partner I can be to my husband;
• Being the best daughter, sister and friend;
• Sharing my love of yoga with children and their families; and
• Sharing my life learnings and lessons with the hope they might help others.

So, that’s where I’ve been at the past few weeks. I am slowly coming around, but I am back and excited to pick-up where I left off!

What the heck does this have to do with kids needing yoga more than ever?

During these challenging periods, I typically turn to my yoga and meditation practice to help get my mind right because when the mind is right, everything else just seems to fall into place.

Now imagine if our children were able to do the same thing or had the tools to help them get to this point. This is what I want for my children and for all children, and why kids today need yoga in their lives more than ever.

I can’t tell you the number of times a parent has said to me that they wished they had learned about yoga earlier in their life. When I ask them why, their response usually has something to do with learning to better manage stress and anxiety earlier in life; exploring ways to create mental clarity; or finding more inner peace while increasing their overall energy. 

I doubt there are many people who will disagree with me when I say that we are living in  pretty interesting times and that parenting in today’s world is much different than 30 years ago. Parents are busier than ever. Kids are being faced with school pressures, incessant lessons to be learned, vast information, video games, malls and competitive sports. Add to this list the age of the smartphone and the rise of social media, and you pretty much have a complex recipe for being a kid and raising a kid.

Fortunately there are things we can do as parents to help our children navigate today’s world without having to take drastic measures such as banning technology altogether (a suggestion once made by my mother) or moving to the middle of nowhere away (ha!). This is the world we live in, and we have the choice to adapt and manage how we function within it. The same goes for how we teach our children to do the same.

Benefits of yoga for children

Yoga provides so many wonderful benefits for children and can be one of the best ways to counter societal pressures if practiced consistently.

Some of the benefits of yoga for children include:

• Learning breathing and visualization techniques that help them to better focus and center themselves. As their focus increases, they are able to breathe better, naturally releasing and reducing cortisol (the stress hormone). 

• They become stronger physically, have increased flexibility and become more aware of their body and how it moves. Children with healthy body awareness tend to be more self-confident, breathe better and are less prone to injury.

• They are able to practice self-reflection and mindfulness because they are given the time and space to get in touch with their feelings and emotions. This ultimately leads to becoming more  empathetic and the ability to better connect with others.

• They get to be creative and have fun. 

• Simply put, they get to be kids. 

There are many tools you can use to teach yoga to children and sometimes knowing where to start can be very overwhelming, so over the next few weeks I will be sharing some of the tools I use with my own students and children including, games, meditations, breath practices, book suggestions, easy to follow yoga sequences, yoga poses and more.

Like many of the parents I have met, I wish I had discovered yoga much earlier in my life, but yoga is a journey and I believe it comes too you when you need it most. Children today need to be armed with tools that can help them manage and cope when the going gets tough, and as Deepak Chopra’s daughter Malika once said, “meditation, mindfulness techniques, and yoga are age-old practices that have survived generations. For today’s kids these techniques are as relevant as ever.”

#strongkindminds

Sources:

1. Discover Why Kids Need Yoga as Much as We Do
2. How Smartphones and Social Media Can Steal Childhood
3. Eight Benefits of Yoga for Kids
4. This is the Guide to Yoga and Meditation We Wish We Had Growing Up

The Problem with People-Pleasing

My husband and I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with our daughters’ teachers for parent-teacher conferences. Both girls are really good students, so there isn’t generally any cause for concern when it comes to how they’re doing in school academically. However this time was a little different when one of the girls’ teachers mentioned that our daughter was a bit of a people-pleaser.

I remember thinking, “that’s an interesting thing to bring up,” and didn’t think too much of it, but as time passed and I began to research why this might be an issue, I could see why her teacher felt the need to raise the issue with my husband and I.

Now don’t get me wrong, being kind and wanting to helping people are wonderful attributes to have, but problems can arise when people begin to exploit your kindness or use it too their advantage – consciously or subconsciously – and I assume that is what my daughter’s teacher was beginning to see.

A people-pleaser is a person who generally puts the needs of others before themselves. They are always willing to step-in and help out, even if it might potentially harm or put them at risk. They rarely say “no” and will put themselves in uncomfortable situations just to save face or because they think it’s the right thing to do. Simply put, people-pleasers will do anything to make other people happy, even if it’s at the expense of their own happiness

People-pleasing is a problem and I know this first-hand because I have pretty much been a people-pleaser my entire life. It has definitely left a dent in terms of how I view certain relationships, but truth be told, I don’t want either of my daughters to become people-pleasers. I want them to be good people and do good things, but I also want them to learn that it’s okay to say “no” or to be a little selfish sometimes.

It took me a long time to realize that I was this person and it really wasn’t until we moved to San Antonio that I began to subconsciously release my people-pleasing ways. Maybe it was something about having a fresh start or not really knowing anyone when we moved here, but whatever the reason, I noticed a profound difference in how I was feeling. It was as though a weight had been lifted and I could breath again.

The Correlation Between People-Pleasing and Bullying

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that one of our daughters has already had a few brushes with bully-like behavior, so perhaps the biggest concern I have for my daughter(s) is how people-pleasing can contribute to bullying.

An article written by the folks at VeryWellFamily.com explains how people-pleasers are typically a magnet for mean, controlling and demanding people, making them one of the primary targets of bullies. They assert that people-pleasers are also more susceptible to peer pressure because they desperately want to fit in and use the example of mean girls and cliques to further show the great lengths people-pleasers will take to “fit in” and avoid being ostracized.  Most people-pleasers will find themselves compromising their values and beliefs in order to please others in the group and ultimately end up feeling miserable about themselves.

Inspiring Change: How to stop people pleasing and teaching your child to do the same

If you’re like me or have noticed people-pleasing tendencies within your own child, here are a few things you can do to deal with the problem:

• There’s a difference between goodwill and pleasing. Learning to differentiate between these two things is a critical part of recognizing people-pleasing behaviors. If it doesn’t feel “right,” if you feel uneasy or fear the consequence of not doing something, chances are you shouldn’t do it. Helping your child understand this difference will help them make better decisions in this regard.

• It’s okay to be selfish. Creating boundaries for yourself is never something you should feel bad about and this is something we need to teach our children. What I have found works best for our family is to talk about it. In the case of people-pleasing and relationships, this would talking about what it means to be a good friend, what it means to have a good friend and to understand what it might look like if a friendship is being taken advantage of (more on this below).

• Learn to read your feelings. Most people pleasers will find themselves experiencing feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, frustration and fear to name a few. Being able to recognize when these feelings arise and associating them with people-pleasing tendencies (i.e. how you might feel towards a certain person after they’ve asked you to do something), can you help you better address the problem.

• Understand what healthy relationships look like. My husband and I have had many conversations with our daughters about this one. If spending time with someone causes you to question your self worth or makes you feel bad about yourself, chances are you shouldn’t be friends with them. Healthy relationships, although not always perfect, are balanced. Acts of generosity and kindness are reciprocated, and being around that person should always makes you feel good.

• Just say “NO!” This is so much easier said than done , but goes back to the idea of creating healthy boundaries for yourself and being able to recognize when something or someone no longer serves you in a positive or fulfilling way. Over the past few years, I have either let go or scaled back my expectations when it comes to certain relationships because of how they made me feel. While some decisions came rather easily and others did not, I knew I had done the right thing when letting go gave me a sense of inner peace and joy. I always try to encourage my girls to look a their relationships in the same way. I tell them to spend time with those who lift them up and fill their hearts, and to simply steer clear of those who do not.

#strongkindminds

Sources:

1. The Problem with People-Pleasing
2. How to Stop People-Pleasing
3. Teaching Kids How to Set & Protect Their Boundaries Against Toxic Behavior

Choosing to be kind

 “A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.” -Amelia Earhart

Over the past few weeks I have been running a yoga series for a group of children in our community. The theme of last week’s class was “I am Kind.” We focused on what it means to be kind and how to bring kindness into the world through our actions and words. During class, we all took turns sharing our thoughts with one another, I couldn’t help but feel this magical energy in the room. 

Each child had the opportunity to reflect on a moment in time where they either treated someone unkindly or weren’t treated with kindness themselves, and shared what they felt a world full of kindness would look like. Here’s what some of them had to say:

• No one would feel excluded or alone.
• People would smile all the time.
• Everyone would help everyone.
• The world would be a better place.

If the world were like this, it would be a better place, wouldn’t it? But that’s not the world we live in, and we need to make sure our children are equipped to deal with the unkindness in the world, and to respond with unkindness with kindness when it inevitably happens.

The “Magic Ratio” of Kindness 

I always tell my students that being kind is something we have to choose to do. We cannot choose how others treat us, but we can choose how to treat them. If other people treat us in a way that hurts or harms, we can choose to echo this behavior or seek to change it and do better. Also, the more we choose to be kind the more likely those around us will choose to be kind too. 

Many studies have shown that multiple positive interactions with one person can actually make-up for any negative interactions. Relationship expert John Gottman developed what’s called the “Magic Ratio,” after discovering that the difference between happy and unhappy couples in a relationship is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. He found there is a very specific ratio that makes love last, which can also be applied to acts of kindness. This magical ratio is 5:1, meaning that for every 1 negative interaction, it takes 5 positive interactions to overcome that 1 negative moment.

That’s a lot of positivity we as humans need and understandably so. We thrive on the need for positive interactions on a emotional, physical and spiritual level, otherwise, we struggle to cope. And, when applying the “magic ratio” to kindness, it’s apparent that we need to constantly surround ourselves and project positivity into the world. We must always strive to choose kindness and look at everything in life through the lens of love. 

Side Effects of Kindness

Looking a life through the lens of love is something I strive to inspire within my students and daughters because when we do this, we become present to life and create a positive energy that is felt both within ourselves and among those around us.

Kindness has so many wonderful benefits, not only for the receiver but also for the giver. Some of the scientifically proven positive effects of kindness, include:

• Increases in the “love hormone” oxytocin;
• Higher self-esteem;
• More optimistic outlook on life;
• Increased energy;
• Increased happiness;
• Longer life expectancy; and
• Less stress & anxiety, to name a few. 

Practicing Kindness

One of the most effective ways for us to teach children how to be kind is to simply model it. Whether through gesture, choosing kind words or teaching them about empathy, it all starts with us.

When I asked my students how they might put kindness into action in their lives, here’s what some of them had to say:

• I would stand up for someone if they were being bullied.
• I would play with someone if they were alone at recess.
• I would help my mom more.
• I would give more hugs.

It occurred to me as I was listening to them that kindness needn’t be a grand gesture to make a difference. Sometimes a simple act can be just as or even more effective. 

Self Care

My students and I also discussed how kindness isn’t just about how we treat others – kindness is also about how we treat ourselves. The practice of self-care plays an important role in our physical and emotional well being. Taking time to care for ourselves whether through daily exercise, practicing yoga, spending time with loved ones or eating well for example, helps to develop positivity within ourselves. And, when we feel good on the inside, we project this outwardly. Those around us can feel it too, which ulitimately brings more kindness and positivity into our lives.

#strongkindminds

Sources:

1. The Art of Raising Kind Kids
2. The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
3. The Science of Kindness

Why Being Grateful is More than Just Saying “Thank You”

Not sure if it’s just me, but it feels like there’s a lot of really weird energy in the air right now. Maybe it’s the mid-winter blues (although I live in Texas and it’s quite lovely weather-wise), maybe it’s homesickness (as result of living in Texas) or maybe I am just super sensitive to everything around me. Whatever “it” is, it’s had me on edge for weeks and I am so over it. 

Fortunately, I know when I get to this place I need to spend some quiet time alone (meditating, journaling, reading) in order to make sense of what I am feeling, but it wasn’t always this way. 

Like so many people today, I  used to find myself constantly caught up in the strain of daily life and feeling the snowball effect of stress. There were times where I literally could not cope and was paralyzed by fear of the unknown. I suffered from debilitating anxiety and liked to play the victim, never taking blame for the bad things happening in my life. When a particularly difficult situation arose nearly three years ago, I knew that if I didn’t change the way I was looking at things, the stress of this situation would destroy me.

While in the thick of the mess that was my life, I was picking-up a birthday gift when I came across 30 Days of Gratitude by Julie Boyer. Intrigued, I immediately looked it up and the first thing I read was this: “Do you struggle with maintaining a positive attitude when faced with life’s challenges? Are you ready to live your life with gratitude and abundance every single day?…”.

WHOA. 

Whether divine intervention or luck, I knew I was meant to find this book and that it was meant to find me. 

I had never heard of the “art of practicing gratitude,” but what I discovered is that this practice can help bring fresh new perspectives to the mind, and can help open our hearts to the opportunities and lessons that lie beneath some of life’s biggest challenges. Now, I am not suggesting that the practice cancels out what might be difficult –  it just balances the hard times with the good, which can bring a tremendous sense of peace and harmony into our lives when we need it most. 

It seems like gratitude is everywhere, yet many of us continue with struggling to appreciate what we have or find the silver lining in those challenging situations. I know I still do sometimes (and I have been doing this religiously for years), so what gives?

The practice of gratitude is a learned process, which means we have to give ourselves time to develop it. Learning to be truly grateful is a lot harder than most people think, especially when we so often associate our own happiness with material things. It’s takes time to train your mind to see the good in everything. Saying “thank you,” is one thing, but truly understanding why we should be thankful is the key to mastering this practice and this is what takes the most time to develop. 

As with every newly learned skill, you just have to do it and keep doing it. I know for myself my gratitude practice, just like my yoga practice, diet and workout regime for example, ebbs and flows. Although I do really try my hardest to stay consistent in these areas of my life, there always comes a point in time when something starts to slide and just like doing a half-assed workout, sometimes my gratitude journal lacks the necessary thought and depth. The key though, is that I still continue to do it and eventually at some point my mindset shifts back. 

The Benefits of Gratitude

The research on gratitude shows us that there is an incredible laundry list of benefits that come along with it (the folks over at happierhuman.com were good enough to compile this list into a single post). As I read the list, I couldn’t help but think about how desperately I wanted some of those things in my life.

People who practice gratitude are much more likely to receive the following benefits:

Emotional Benefits

• More resilient
• More relaxed 
• Less envious
• Have better memories
• Have more good feelings

Personality Benefits

• Less materialistic
• Less self-centered
• More optimistic
• Increased self-esteem
• More spiritual

Health Benefits 

• Better sleep
• Less sick
• Live longer
• Increased energy
• Exercise more

Career Benefits

• Better management
• Improved networking
• Achieve goals
• Improved decision making
• Increased productivity

Social Benefits

• More social
• Healthier marriage
• Kinder
• More friendships
• Deeper relationships

Sounds like a good deal, right?

Then it dawned on me – if I desperately want those things in my life, shouldn’t I want the same thing for my children? And if I started them on this journey now, wouldn’t that mean they’d be better able to deal with whatever life throws at them in the future?

What I’ve done for myself and my kids

Shortly after finishing Julie’s book, I began my own gratitude practice by keeping a journal. I start each morning with three things I am grateful for; I envision what could happen to make the day a good one; and I write my daily affirmation. Just before bed, I take a few minutes to review what I wrote in the morning and finish off the journal with three amazing things that happened during the day, as well one thing I would’ve done differently. This last step is such an important part of the process because it gives me an opportunity to see where I might need to further grow or develop mysef. It’s also tangible proof that even when things may seem tough or don’t go as planned, there is so much to be thankful for. 

Journaling is also something I have inspired in my children. Before they go to bed, we take a few moments to reflect on their day. They both have their own gratitude journals, so we always begin by asking what went well in the day or what could’ve been done differently. They then write down three things they are grateful for (sometimes it’s more) and one thing they would be grateful to receive. 

What I’ve discovered is the more they continue with their own gratitude practices, the more in depth their entries are becoming, which means they are starting to see how the simple things in life can bring tremendous happiness. 

For example, when my youngest first started journaling she would write simple statements like, “I am grateful for my dog.” This is a great place to start, but I have been encouraging her to think more about why she is grateful. So now instead of writing,”I am grateful for my dog,” she recently wrote, “I am grateful for Stewie [the dog] because he gives me lots of kisses.” 

My hope is that as the girls get older they can use this practice to help them discover what truly matters, and to create a life full of meaning and purpose. For now though, I am just so grateful that we get to do this together and that they enjoying doing it. 

#strongkindminds

Why I’m okay with letting my kids fail

“Scores are just numbers, and numbers don’t meany anything.”
– Emma C., Age. 8

This past weekend my oldest daughter competed with an amazing team of girls in the regional competition for Destination Imagination (DI). DI is an wonderful global educational non-profit, which provides students worldwide with a chance to participate in a competition. Students go through the process of solving a challenge and have the opportunity to learn a number of essential skills such as team building, creative & critical thinking, problem solving, perseverance and self-confidence to name a few. I had the absolute honor of being their team manager and love everything DI stands for, but when our team didn’t even place in the finals, it was a crushing blow. 

We all knew going into the competition there would be a very slim chance of moving past the regional finals, but this didn’t deter the girls from working their buns off and creating a solution they were proud off. They were SO proud of what they accomplished and so was I. We felt really good heading into the competition on Saturday morning…Until we received our initial scores, and as my daughter said, “it’s as though all that hard work was for nothing.”

I wasn’t surprised by this reaction (believe me I felt it too), so I didn’t try to diminish it. It absolutely sucked, but the truth is the girls were already winners in so many other ways – they just couldn’t see it yet. 

They worked well together as a team, completed tasks with honesty and integrity, learned to manage different personalities, and so much more. Sure it would’ve been nice to receive something to acknowledge all of the hard work that went into this project, but as I told the girls, it takes more courage to admit defeat then it does too claim a winning medal. Winning is an amazing accomplishment, but it isn’t everything and if they choose to compete again, they can take what they’ve learned from the experience and build on it next year.

The lesson seems simple enough, but the truth is we all hate to lose and no one wants to fail, and that’s okay. We are human after all and need to give ourselves time to process whatever it is we are feeling. The problem though is that today, more and more parents are trying to protect their children from having to experience failure or loss in order to keep them happy. 

While this “epidemic” is not easily explained, many child psychiatrists will agree that we as parents aren’t helping the situation and that children need to learn resilience in order to truly succeed in life. More and more children are completely lacking resilience because so many parents try to fix problems for their children, instead of coaching them through how to deal with their emotions.

The reality is life is tough. Sometimes we win, but most of the time we don’t. Difficult situations, such as the one my team experienced this past weekend, can provide a child with so many amazing opportunities to learn and grow, and it is our job as their parents to coach them through the emotional journey instead of trying to fix the situation or make it better. The experience of seeing your child struggle, although difficult to watch, can prove to be incredibly eye-opening and will ultimately make them stronger people. 

I have always believed in allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel and giving yourself time to be with your emotions. Allowing your child to do the same after a challenging or disappointing situation, is a critical step in helping to build their resilience. They need time to process and understand that whatever happened was not the end of the world.

Since I was also feeling a little down in the dumps after the competition, my daughter and I decided to spend Sunday in decompression mode. We stayed in our PJs all day, did crafts, watched TV, ate junk food, drank wine (well I did!), etc. It was glorious and exactly what we both needed.

After letting the emotions of the weekend settle, we regrouped to chat about how she feeling. While still disappointed with the outcome, she said she was happy for the chance to compete and despite not winning an award, had a lot of fun. In that moment I knew she wasn’t going to let this “blip” bring her down and for that I am beyond grateful. This experience – although difficult – has given her a chance to grow and become a more resilient person. #strongkindminds

Sources:

1. Parents: Your Kids Happiness Doesn’t Matter as Much as their Resilience
2. Why Winning and Losing is Important for Children
3. How to Help Teenage Girls Reframe Anxiety and Strengthen Resilience
4. Your Awards Mean Nothing