Helping Kids Navigate Social Exclusion

“We can’t all be invited everywhere now can we? ” – Judith Sills, PhD

As most of you know, I have a nine and a 10-year old. They are both girls and extremely social. Currently we are in a phase I like to call, “playdate and sleepover central.” Honest to goodness, they have busier social calendars then I do lately.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful that they have friends whom the enjoy spending so much time with, BUT when it happens with some frequency there seems to be an expectation to always be invited, and when there isn’t an invitation, it can be a catastrophic event in their world.

I was inspired to write about this because one of my girls recently came home from school in tears after learning that a few girls in her class were invited to sleepover and she wasn’t. It was beyond devastating for her. There were A LOT of tears and negative self-talk, which as a mom was heartbreaking to see and hear.

Now, while most rational and emotionally mature adults will agree that in the grand scheme of things this truly isn’t that big of a deal, for most kids, being excluded from any type of social activity (birthday parties, playdates, recess, sleepovers, etc.) can – in the moment – be a very traumatic and painful experience. 

Social exclusion is something most children will experience at some point and to some degree. Although most times the situation can be pretty harmless and fixed with extra ice cream or hugs, there are instances where parents may need to pay a little more attention to potential underlying issues at play, such as relational aggression and bullying. Fortunately in this instance, our situation was more of the former.

While writing this post, I came across an article on oprah.com about the painful business of being left out. The author, Judith Sills, shares her experience of not being invited to a New Years Eve party and the ensuing emotional upheaval she experienced as a result. As she wrote in the article, “being left out is not an inherently grown-up phenomenon. It is a grade-school agony that recurs throughout life.” 

Even though I knew there was no malicious intent, my daughter’s emotions were battered and her ego temporarily bruised. Admittedly, I am not always the most rational thinking person in these situations (more on this below), but had to pony-up and be the parent in this situation (not play the victim like so many of us do). I chose to acknowledge the pain my daughter was feeling and help her work through it. In the end, my only goal was to have her take a step back, breathe, reflect and refocus. By doing so, my hope is that she would begin to build some resilience towards the situation should it happen again, which we all know will likely be the case.

Here’s how it went down and how our experience might help you should your child face a similar situation:

1. Before letting my emotions take over, I had to check my ego at the door. I have a tendency to allow my own insecurities creep into situations like this, which can get in the way of actually helping. So, I had to stop thinking about how I could fix the problem, and instead focused on what I could do to help her face the problem.  
   
   
2. I let her cry and listened to what she had to say. It was important for her to express whatever emotions she was feeling and to just get it all out. I have to say, despite how upset she was, she was very clear with me about what she feeling and why. Her level of emotional reasoning was quite impressive even though she wasn’t quite yet seeing the whole picture. This made me realize how often we as parents might discount what our child is feeling or relegate their reactions to not being being emotionally mature enough to handle certain situations. What I’ve discovered is that kids may be more in tune with their feelings then we give them credit for.
   
   
3. This led to a discussion about self-reflection. My hope was that she would discover other ways to look at the situation and what she could do differently next time. Sometimes when our emotions are running rampant we neglect to see some of the underlying issues or reasons behind the outcome. For example, when Judith Sills shared her story, she finally came to the conclusion that she may not have been invited to the NYE party because she spoke ill of the hostess’ husband and that perhaps it got back to him. The same goes for children. Sometimes they possess traits or behaviors that can contribute to or impact the situation. We just need to help them identify whether this may be the case and work with them to address any changes that might be needed.
   
   
4. In this instance, there was no direct explanation for not being invited (except that she wasn’t) nor was there much that could’ve been done differently to alter the outcome. I knew the next step would be to help rebuild her self-esteem and to begin working on building resilience towards this and future situations like this.
   
   The first thing I did was ask her to revisit the situation. I had her assess what actually happened and to be truthful with herself about what she was telling herself (i.e. how much of what happened or was said, actually happened or was actually said). When she did this, a few discoveries came of it:

• Never Assume. We all know what happens when we make assumptions…Only one other girl was actually invited to sleepover and not several as she had assumed.
• You’re Never Alone. There are comfort in numbers and knowing that we are never alone in the world – even if it might feel that way initially. After chatting with some friends, my daughter discovered she wasn’t the only one feeling this way.
• Consider the Options. Be realistic about the situation. Sometimes we tell ourselves stories about why we excluded from something (guilty!) and most of the time those stories aren’t even remotely close to being true. Consider all of the options and not just ones that made you feel bad.
• We can’t all be invited everywhere. As Judith Sills said, this is a situation many of us will come to face time and again into adulthood. The sooner we accept this point, the easier it becomes to let go of the hurt and pain.

Eventually she came to accept that everyone is entitled to do what they want, when they want and that although it hurt to be excluded from the sleepover this one time, there have been many wonderful times before this and so many wonderful things to come…like the shopping and ice cream date that ensued 🙂

#strongkindminds